Griffin and the Ray of Sunshine

We play. That's the first thing he's done for me. We bang on things, and make loud noises with our mouths. It is a LOT of fun, and I enjoy giving in to the urge to make a lot of noise. We stack blocks. We chase each other around (slowly). I ask him to show me where his nose, his eyes, his ears are.. though he points to them on MY body instead. We watch Sesame Street together. I read him books. I show him letters and numbers.

I love playing with him, because it feels like the closed, cynical gate to my heart opens up and I can just be free.

I also revel in the moments when he wants to cuddle. Bed time and nap time, I hold him and we just commune together. He never wants to let me go, and I seriously want to stay with him like that all night, or all afternoon.

Griffin gets bananas in the morning. I don't know when I started that, but it's become a staple. A banana or two in the morning for breakfast. He loves them, and gets really excited when I get one down for him. "Na!" he says, or "Nana!" on rare occasions. It always excites me, these proto-words. He has gotten down the word "No", and what it means as well, though sometimes he'll use it just because he's having fun. He'll say "nononononono" and shake his head really hard while grinning his ass off.

Lately things have been sad for me, but he gives me little rays of light. Also, the increased ease with which I walk brightens my mood considerably. I can pick him up, and walk with him. I can bounce him a little. I can chase him, I can take him out in his stroller.

Don't ever lose your ability to play. Not just complex games, but even just being able to loosen up and bang loudly on something just for the fun of it. Picking up stray rocks, or hiding behind something just to peek out and giggle.

Life is, actually, good.
Be well,
Autumn

Griffin and the Squishy Pumpkin

We all went to pick out pumpkins for Halloween. Griffin was so interested in the mud puddles around the place that he completely ignored the pumpkins, until we picked him up and showed them to him. I think this picture of Eric makes him look really Dad like, with the grey at the temples.

We go to this farmer's market near us called "Spoth's" for seasonal stuff like pumpkins, cookies, syrup, and Christmas trees.

We selected two small pumpkins so we could have them in our small apartment, and brought them home. We put down a towel, and opened up a pumpkin. Griffin was not pleased with the icky stuff inside the pumpkin, so we gave him a spoon, and let him mash the innards in the bowl as we scooped them out. This, he was pleased with. Eric carved a cute little face on his, and I carved a cute 'scary' face on mine. We turned out the lights, and put candles on inside them.
Griffin was less than pleased with this, and made really unhappy noises, and then started crying, so we turned the lights back on. He seemed to like them a great deal when the lights were on, though. We didn't have a costume for him this year, but next year we will. The trick or treating situation in most of Buffalo is kind of sad, but I hope in Williamsville (where we live), I hope it might be more like I remember trick or treating to be. We'll see, I suppose!

Having Griffin did do one thing I knew it would. We can't just ignore or procrastinate away holidays anymore. We used to MEAN to carve pumpkins, and then either forget to get one, or just postpone carving one. We had done this for years, but we can't do that anymore! Actually, his arrival has put a lot of our bad procrastinating habits in serious trouble, if not outright destroyed them. You just can't procrastinate about getting diapers.

I feel a little pressure about holidays. I want him to remember them with the same kind of golden haze that I have about certain ones. I have great Halloween memories because my family made sure I had them. My mother and step father used to make me some great costumes, some of which were really just for me. The Ozma of Oz costume I had included this crown that was based on the pictures in the book.. but it wasn't the kind of costume that is a crowd pleaser. It was really a private mark of love for me. I remember bits of Christmas with a weepyness for things irrevocably lost. Our family situation is such that we can't have those anymore. While we had them, though.. I loved them. I want him to have the same safe spot in his heart that the holidays give me. A sense of being in a warm isolated tower of love and joy, wrapped in a snuggly scarf or blanket. I want to have our family traditions so ingrained that he inflicts them on HIS family later, whoever they may be.

It's a lot of pressure to put on myself. I listen to the little Eric inside my head who just whispers "Just be yourself. Have fun, it will stick", and I relax, because I know it's true. Every truly good moment in my life has come from relaxing and being myself. As much as I might worry about everything else in the world, I DO know that at least as far as Griffin goes, the holidays will wrap him up in candybar wrappers and glowing pumpkins. They'll float him along in o'er brimming gravy boats, and he will rest in a pine bough as the soft red, blue, and green lights fade in and out. He will sleep with the scent of pine needles, and he will for that night if no others, be safe.

Be well,
Autumn