Griffin and the Price of Fear

This is Griffin's 'Ron Weasley' type shirt that his aunt Amber gave to him. Lately I've been pondering people in my past. One different step here or there, and I would have a completely different life. It is a little dizzying to think of it, and in some cases also a bit sad. I love my husband and baby more than I can easily express, but what if I had decided to swear off men completely? At one point, I was teetering on just giving up on that and concentrating on women. I really wanted a full time girlfriend, but the only taker was a woman who later became a little too dangerous to my aspirations of staying out of jail. Every other woman I've been with has been a bit of a fling with someone who is mostly straight, and that makes me incredibly sad. I wasn't only thinking of relationships. I also had a lot of career opportunities while I was in school. If I hadn't been too scared to take them, I would probably be doing a lot of theatre in NYC by now. A lot of things in my life were based on being too scared to do something else.

I bring this up here because I never want him to be afraid of doing something. I never want him to think, as I do, "I really want to do this thing, but I know I am too ugly/fat/stupid/wrong to do it, so I won't even try". I do this all the time, and it gets on my nerves. I sit down to write something, and I get frozen at the keyboard. I try to draw, and I just can't. I think that's why I love doing theatre so much.. I know I'm good at it, really good at it. I very rarely think I'm going to suck at it, and it's a very freeing feeling. This has got to be because I grew up around it, and that made it second nature. Anyway, I'm scared I'm going to instill that in him by accident, that he'll see me doing it and assume it for himself.

It's a bad habit, and I need to break it.

His great grandmother is not doing so well. We were planning on making a visit this October anyhow, and now it has a greater urgency to me. I wished that he could remember her. I love her a lot, and I can't think straight about it. She and I grew much closer when Griffin was born, and it's something I'd wanted for a long time. I feel very angry.

Griffin has suddenly discovered waving. He waves goodbye when he's being taken out of a room, and it's too cute for words. He will also dance if you tell him to, with this great big grin on his face. He walks around on his toes when he is really happy. When he really likes food, he goes "mmm!". He's discovered the word "no", but doesn't really use it on it's own.. just when he's upset. For instance, when I put him down for his nap, he'll say "nah nah nah no no no..". He's also become able to amuse himself in his crib for hours at a time. In the morning, we've been relying on him to wake us up because we often sleep through an alarm. But lately he's been letting us sleep in forever while he lays there talking to himself, or playing with stuff. He does it at naptime too, once he's certain I'm not coming back in there to get him. Then he drifts off to sleep.

A book called "The Foot Book" and "The Tooth Book" are his favourites. I'll read it to him, and when I'm done he'll hit the book with a commanding sort of noise as if to say, "Again, I decree it!". So, I'll do it again. I think I can do it now without the books.:P Other books he'll get tired of, and go do something else halfway through. When he's really tired, though, he'll sit through them.
I'm home alone tonight because Eric has taken Griffin to a later Dr's appointment (she is always SO booked up!), to get a shot and be looked over. I hate it when he gets a shot, poor little guy.

This last picture here is of me, Griffin, and his great grandparents (my grandparents!), when Griffin was less than 2 months old, at the fourth of July in '05. Yes, I look weird.
Be Well
-Autumn

Griffin and the Time Machine

I'm singing "Shoes go on feet" to him. He's so fragile, so easily hurt, so easily taught the wrong things. I think our occasional tap on the hand to teach "no" is backfiring. I've stopped doing it.

When I look at this, it reminds me of old photographs found in abandoned houses, or in the leaves of second hand books. It's a slice of time frozen forever, and you can never know what was really happening there. If someone found this photo stuck between the pages of my "Peter Wimsey" book after buying it from some dude selling a zillion books on a blanket in NYC.. like, 10 or 20 years from now..they wouldn't know that while I was putting on his shoes, while we were being recorded, frozen in time.. I was singing to him "Shoes go on feet". They wouldn't know that I was getting him ready to walk outside with his Da, to go drop stones in the storm grate. They wouldn't know that I was finally healing from years of injury, pain and doubt. They wouldn't know about our little apartment, that his name is Griffin, or that he likes grapefruit juice in his sippy cup. They might keep it, or throw it away. They might wonder who we were. I know when I see pictures on the "found" website, I really want to know who these people were. What was going on in their lives?

It's the same with very old pictures. It's strange to look at one, and think "These people are all dead".

But at least they were captured by the time machine first.
-A

Griffin and the Leap of Faith

Griffin likes to climb, as I've said before. We have a little table next to our big stuffed chair. Griffin likes to climb onto that table a lot. I let him, but I'm watching closely to grab him, should he fall. When he decides he wants to get down, he likes to stand on the edge of it, and then dive at the chair face first. He does this with the coffee table and the couch, too. His faith that the chair will be there, and that he will be fine amazes me. We lose so much when we age. I've dubbed him "extreme baby". I'm glad that my legs are starting to work better again, because keeping up with an extreme baby is hard!

Plus, tiring. He's VERY active, and really likes the outdoors. I can take him out in his stroller, but what he REALLY wants is to walk around outside. Eric does this when he comes home. Like a puppy, Griffin invariably stands near the door whenever Eric starts his drive home from work, and bangs on it while saying "Da da da!". He does it even when Eric is going to be late, getting more and more upset when "Da" doesn't come home on time. I love it when other people come to our house, because they all interact with him so differently. One friend runs around the apartment with him, which makes Griffin laugh hysterically. They also kick the big green ball around a lot together. Another friend cuddles him and makes her husband very nervous. There's not much else to say, today. It's a melancholy Labor Day, rainy and quiet. Everyone's mood is damp, and I hope we can get outside, or something, to blow the sad cobwebs away.
Be well, all.
Autumn