Griffin and the Price of Fear

This is Griffin's 'Ron Weasley' type shirt that his aunt Amber gave to him. Lately I've been pondering people in my past. One different step here or there, and I would have a completely different life. It is a little dizzying to think of it, and in some cases also a bit sad. I love my husband and baby more than I can easily express, but what if I had decided to swear off men completely? At one point, I was teetering on just giving up on that and concentrating on women. I really wanted a full time girlfriend, but the only taker was a woman who later became a little too dangerous to my aspirations of staying out of jail. Every other woman I've been with has been a bit of a fling with someone who is mostly straight, and that makes me incredibly sad. I wasn't only thinking of relationships. I also had a lot of career opportunities while I was in school. If I hadn't been too scared to take them, I would probably be doing a lot of theatre in NYC by now. A lot of things in my life were based on being too scared to do something else.

I bring this up here because I never want him to be afraid of doing something. I never want him to think, as I do, "I really want to do this thing, but I know I am too ugly/fat/stupid/wrong to do it, so I won't even try". I do this all the time, and it gets on my nerves. I sit down to write something, and I get frozen at the keyboard. I try to draw, and I just can't. I think that's why I love doing theatre so much.. I know I'm good at it, really good at it. I very rarely think I'm going to suck at it, and it's a very freeing feeling. This has got to be because I grew up around it, and that made it second nature. Anyway, I'm scared I'm going to instill that in him by accident, that he'll see me doing it and assume it for himself.

It's a bad habit, and I need to break it.

His great grandmother is not doing so well. We were planning on making a visit this October anyhow, and now it has a greater urgency to me. I wished that he could remember her. I love her a lot, and I can't think straight about it. She and I grew much closer when Griffin was born, and it's something I'd wanted for a long time. I feel very angry.

Griffin has suddenly discovered waving. He waves goodbye when he's being taken out of a room, and it's too cute for words. He will also dance if you tell him to, with this great big grin on his face. He walks around on his toes when he is really happy. When he really likes food, he goes "mmm!". He's discovered the word "no", but doesn't really use it on it's own.. just when he's upset. For instance, when I put him down for his nap, he'll say "nah nah nah no no no..". He's also become able to amuse himself in his crib for hours at a time. In the morning, we've been relying on him to wake us up because we often sleep through an alarm. But lately he's been letting us sleep in forever while he lays there talking to himself, or playing with stuff. He does it at naptime too, once he's certain I'm not coming back in there to get him. Then he drifts off to sleep.

A book called "The Foot Book" and "The Tooth Book" are his favourites. I'll read it to him, and when I'm done he'll hit the book with a commanding sort of noise as if to say, "Again, I decree it!". So, I'll do it again. I think I can do it now without the books.:P Other books he'll get tired of, and go do something else halfway through. When he's really tired, though, he'll sit through them.
I'm home alone tonight because Eric has taken Griffin to a later Dr's appointment (she is always SO booked up!), to get a shot and be looked over. I hate it when he gets a shot, poor little guy.

This last picture here is of me, Griffin, and his great grandparents (my grandparents!), when Griffin was less than 2 months old, at the fourth of July in '05. Yes, I look weird.
Be Well
-Autumn