9 months, 2 weeks, 2 days

Ok, I lied, this update is on Monday instead. Griffin had learned how to crawl on hands and knees, and not just drag himself along by his arms. He doesn't do it all the time, but he is rapidly moving towards such a day.

We bought Griffin some little cookie things that melt in your mouth. They have a concentrated banana smell, but not so much on taste. He's not sure about them yet.

I had a bad dream about death. In it, I was dying, and was saying goodbye to Griffin, and writing a letter for his later self. It was sad, and it's still with me. It got me to thinking about how to express my love for this little whiny bundle of joy. When I was pregnant, I heard a lot of things that I thought were platitudes, but now I discover the truth in them. My perspective has changed completely, and he is the best thing I've done.

I don't like change. I fight against it tooth and nail, which makes my life quite a bit harder. I wanted Griffin, but I also really wanted to hide when we brought him home. I still want to hide sometimes, because I see all my flaws reflected in him. I can't be complacent, I can't procrastinate on some things, I have to get up and clean the house, clean the dishes, do the laundry. I find myself a stranger in my own head, as if cobwebs have been cleaned out and I can't remember what it looked like without the clutter.

Rather.. it's like the movie Conan the Barbarian. In this one part, Conan comes into a long forgotten tomb, and there's the body of this king sitting in a throne, covered over with webs. I think a part of me felt like that. Dusty, cobwebbed into my chair, forgotten, lost. Griffin is just bringing a spring cleaning with him. Sunshine, laughter.

It's not all like that, of course. He whines, and cries, and vomits, and tries to eat every book we own. He's broken my glasses, scratched my face, pulled my hair, and made me cry so hard I thought I'd never stop. I just don't see those things as the defining things.

Anyway, good night.
Autumn