10 months, 1 day

Griffin's teeth are driving him insane. He wakes up in the middle of the night, and spends the day crying. I will be so happy to get my little guy back, I hate to see him so miserable. When he has moments of enjoying himself, he is an absolute blast. He loves to crawl around, and explore. He loves to stand up and grab at interesting things, especially things that are shiny. My cellphone and the remote are never safe! I enjoy watching him laugh.

My own emotions are all over the map. I feel weaning looming on the horizon, and I can't bear it. I miss the times when he would breastfeed for sustenance the way I would miss a part of my own body. I cry a lot, and I feel lost.. as if my most important mothering asset is about to be removed. Eric has had it good in that way, for without the breast to do his work for him, he's had to develop skills. For the longest time it was easy just to put him on the breast, and he would be comforted. It doesn't work now.

It still works for getting him to nap. I can't get him to nap any other way, yet, so it is still the primary source for that. I really treasure each nap the way I never did before, as times we still have together. Soon, he'll figure out how to sleep on his own, and breastfeeding will go the way of the dodo.

I don't think I'm going to have any more children. Not because I don't want to, but because Eric doesn't. I am aching for another baby in a purely emotional/homornal way. I know in my mind that it would be completely impossible for me to care for them both right now, but it doesn't stop the feelings I have. I do think that by the time I'll be able to care for them both that I'll be at a signifigant risk for problems with the baby, so I shouldn't do it. I guess I really wanted at least two. I know that I love having sisters, and I would want the same thing for him. Sometimes, though, I think that the only reason I want another one is so that I can breastfeed again, and hold a tiny baby to my chest again.

I've completely lost perspective.

Griffin crawls after me when I go down a hall, so I've made a game of it. I get him to follow me into the room I want to be in, saving my knee pain, and giving him fun and excersize. He giggles hysterically when we play this game together, which is much better than when he follows me as I head into the bathroom, with him crying the whole way. His crying during that has this painful "mommy, I'm lost and alone" quality to it that really just pierces me and makes me feel guilty for having bodily functions! It's part of his new clingyness, which I hope is brought on by teething. I think it is,because there are definately times when he wants to play by himself with his toys (as long as I'm in the room), and he's still very game to meet new people.

Four teeth coming in. I am so proud of him, though he had no say in it. His hair is blonde, but sometimes it looks red. His eyes are a bright shiny marble blue. He has the cutest chin and cheeks. His laughter fills me.

Yes, I'm a sap, and I'm vaguely sorry for it. I am cynical otherwise, really. I question everything, I try not to fall for the same bullshit that so many people I love do. I know that I've taken on a thankless major job that I'm not at all qualified for, and that has major consequences if I fail. It has no down time, and it's high stress. I mean, if you were working a job like that, you'd quit, wouldn't you? Still, though, I am a sap. I fall for the fluffy gooey lovey crap. I can't get enough of him. I want to introduce him to everything, and I adore spending time with him. The person I am supposed to be isn't like this. I'm supposed to be a child of my age, into the depressing and ironic. I'm a geek with all the dark comics, books and movies of the 90's behind me. I'm supposed to sneer at cute, turn up my nose at adorable, and definately NOT snuggle.

I've completely lost perspective.

I adore the movie "Parenthood". Something stuck with me, and has been germinating in my head for a while. One of the characters is talking about how other women view her. She says that she's good at being a stay at home mom, and she likes doing it. She complains because to the other women she isn't being 'all she can be', by having a career and also the kids. She is defensive because she isn't sitting around on her ass doing nothing, she's working hard,and what's more, she loves it. I want to be like her. I think, if I was at full capacity, I could do it too. I even find myself wanting to do it. It cuts across my grain; as a child of the 80's, I'm supposed to want kids and a power job with shoulder pads too.

I've completely lost my perspective.

Maybe that's not so bad.

-Autumn