10 months, 1 week, 2 days

This is a kind of creepy. In reality, the Teletubbies are looking at a screen in "La la"'s tummy. But it does look like they're telling him to do arcane things, through the tv. He loves this show, and I'm very happy to oblige him. It gives me a half hour of peace to do things like .. type on a blog!

Two of the four upper teeth have broken through the gum barrier, and so he's experiencing what Jeff Vogel calls "Reverse teething", where he's unexpectedly cool, and fun to be around.. giggling and playing. He's learned to make new sounds with his tongue, using the two front teeth on the bottom, which sound a little like yodeling mixed with the "TH" sound, and is a lot of fun to watch.

We brought him to the park the other day, and put him in the toddler swings for the first time. It was a little colder than we thought, so we didn't stay too long, but he had a great time. We also helped him down the slide, too. I can't wait until it's warm, so he can play even more!!Well, warm, and NOT wet.

That night while we were at dinner, I was showing him one of his books. I asked him to say "doggie", while he was admiring the picture of a dog. He looked at me, and then said it! Not with a grownup's pronunciation, but he said it!:)
He just seems to be developing more and more each day. I'm not sure I can keep up with his curiosity!
-Autumn

magical dissapearing blog

I posted, and the blog dissapeared. I'm too depressed to fix it right now. I might later on tonight. Here's a picture in the meantime.

10 months, 1 day

Griffin's teeth are driving him insane. He wakes up in the middle of the night, and spends the day crying. I will be so happy to get my little guy back, I hate to see him so miserable. When he has moments of enjoying himself, he is an absolute blast. He loves to crawl around, and explore. He loves to stand up and grab at interesting things, especially things that are shiny. My cellphone and the remote are never safe! I enjoy watching him laugh.

My own emotions are all over the map. I feel weaning looming on the horizon, and I can't bear it. I miss the times when he would breastfeed for sustenance the way I would miss a part of my own body. I cry a lot, and I feel lost.. as if my most important mothering asset is about to be removed. Eric has had it good in that way, for without the breast to do his work for him, he's had to develop skills. For the longest time it was easy just to put him on the breast, and he would be comforted. It doesn't work now.

It still works for getting him to nap. I can't get him to nap any other way, yet, so it is still the primary source for that. I really treasure each nap the way I never did before, as times we still have together. Soon, he'll figure out how to sleep on his own, and breastfeeding will go the way of the dodo.

I don't think I'm going to have any more children. Not because I don't want to, but because Eric doesn't. I am aching for another baby in a purely emotional/homornal way. I know in my mind that it would be completely impossible for me to care for them both right now, but it doesn't stop the feelings I have. I do think that by the time I'll be able to care for them both that I'll be at a signifigant risk for problems with the baby, so I shouldn't do it. I guess I really wanted at least two. I know that I love having sisters, and I would want the same thing for him. Sometimes, though, I think that the only reason I want another one is so that I can breastfeed again, and hold a tiny baby to my chest again.

I've completely lost perspective.

Griffin crawls after me when I go down a hall, so I've made a game of it. I get him to follow me into the room I want to be in, saving my knee pain, and giving him fun and excersize. He giggles hysterically when we play this game together, which is much better than when he follows me as I head into the bathroom, with him crying the whole way. His crying during that has this painful "mommy, I'm lost and alone" quality to it that really just pierces me and makes me feel guilty for having bodily functions! It's part of his new clingyness, which I hope is brought on by teething. I think it is,because there are definately times when he wants to play by himself with his toys (as long as I'm in the room), and he's still very game to meet new people.

Four teeth coming in. I am so proud of him, though he had no say in it. His hair is blonde, but sometimes it looks red. His eyes are a bright shiny marble blue. He has the cutest chin and cheeks. His laughter fills me.

Yes, I'm a sap, and I'm vaguely sorry for it. I am cynical otherwise, really. I question everything, I try not to fall for the same bullshit that so many people I love do. I know that I've taken on a thankless major job that I'm not at all qualified for, and that has major consequences if I fail. It has no down time, and it's high stress. I mean, if you were working a job like that, you'd quit, wouldn't you? Still, though, I am a sap. I fall for the fluffy gooey lovey crap. I can't get enough of him. I want to introduce him to everything, and I adore spending time with him. The person I am supposed to be isn't like this. I'm supposed to be a child of my age, into the depressing and ironic. I'm a geek with all the dark comics, books and movies of the 90's behind me. I'm supposed to sneer at cute, turn up my nose at adorable, and definately NOT snuggle.

I've completely lost perspective.

I adore the movie "Parenthood". Something stuck with me, and has been germinating in my head for a while. One of the characters is talking about how other women view her. She says that she's good at being a stay at home mom, and she likes doing it. She complains because to the other women she isn't being 'all she can be', by having a career and also the kids. She is defensive because she isn't sitting around on her ass doing nothing, she's working hard,and what's more, she loves it. I want to be like her. I think, if I was at full capacity, I could do it too. I even find myself wanting to do it. It cuts across my grain; as a child of the 80's, I'm supposed to want kids and a power job with shoulder pads too.

I've completely lost my perspective.

Maybe that's not so bad.

-Autumn

This isn't Eric feeding him a nacho, it's Griffin trying to eat Eric's nacho. We did give the boy a taste of the cheez, and that was the end of it. Like I said, Griffin is incredibly tenacious. When he gets something in his head, he doesn't let go of it easily.

There are at least two more teeth coming in. I think though, that there might be four. There's always a white bump just before they start to really show, and two other places have the white bump.

We started him on chunky food. He's not quite sure what to make of it yet.
I am exhausted, so I will do a more comprehensive post later. Thanks for understanding.:)
Autumn

9 months, 2 weeks, 2 days

Ok, I lied, this update is on Monday instead. Griffin had learned how to crawl on hands and knees, and not just drag himself along by his arms. He doesn't do it all the time, but he is rapidly moving towards such a day.

We bought Griffin some little cookie things that melt in your mouth. They have a concentrated banana smell, but not so much on taste. He's not sure about them yet.

I had a bad dream about death. In it, I was dying, and was saying goodbye to Griffin, and writing a letter for his later self. It was sad, and it's still with me. It got me to thinking about how to express my love for this little whiny bundle of joy. When I was pregnant, I heard a lot of things that I thought were platitudes, but now I discover the truth in them. My perspective has changed completely, and he is the best thing I've done.

I don't like change. I fight against it tooth and nail, which makes my life quite a bit harder. I wanted Griffin, but I also really wanted to hide when we brought him home. I still want to hide sometimes, because I see all my flaws reflected in him. I can't be complacent, I can't procrastinate on some things, I have to get up and clean the house, clean the dishes, do the laundry. I find myself a stranger in my own head, as if cobwebs have been cleaned out and I can't remember what it looked like without the clutter.

Rather.. it's like the movie Conan the Barbarian. In this one part, Conan comes into a long forgotten tomb, and there's the body of this king sitting in a throne, covered over with webs. I think a part of me felt like that. Dusty, cobwebbed into my chair, forgotten, lost. Griffin is just bringing a spring cleaning with him. Sunshine, laughter.

It's not all like that, of course. He whines, and cries, and vomits, and tries to eat every book we own. He's broken my glasses, scratched my face, pulled my hair, and made me cry so hard I thought I'd never stop. I just don't see those things as the defining things.

Anyway, good night.
Autumn

9 months, 1 week, 5 days

Griffin's standing has become the only thing he wants to do. All his energy is focussed on standing, moving from place to place, and eating our laptop. He wants to eat that pretty silvery shiny thing very badly. That, and bang on the top of it very hard with his bottle! Much of our day is taken up with playing "keep away", which includes the laptop, electrical cords, and my cellphone.

He has also re-discovered music. I was watching South Pacific the other day, and he stopped what he was doing, and stood transfixed. Against my better judgement, I want to get him a xylophone, or some other percussion instrument. I think he can handle things that he bangs on to make pretty sounds.

The screaming himself to sleep thing is working very well. He sleeps deeper, not waking up in trhe middle of the night but once since we've tried it, and even then we let him get back to sleep on his own. I think if I could get the bedroom to be darker during the day I could get him to do it for a nap, too. I think I just need really dark curtains in here. Which would help at night, too. His window faces the parking lot, and the lights are very bright at night.

We hope to move to a lower apartment in the same complex. There are some rennovated ones that will help us get our computers out of his room. Then we can decorate it!! Our quest for a house is now officially stopped. We don't have the money to do it. Living in the apartment will be crowded, but we're going to do it until he's school aged, and then move to a house (we hope), in the school district we want. It will give us 6 years to save.. so we hope we can manage it.



I will update on Sunday again.. sorry for the schedule being off.

-Autumn